November 28, 2007

Songs

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was in the thrusts of what was happening to me (to us) and on my way to the hospital for another visit. I was feeling blue, out of sorts, like my life was happening TO me and I wasn't really "in" it. I flipped on the CD player in the truck and played one of my favorite songs. I listened to this song a lot last year when I miscarried our first girl - it helped quite a bit. But never has a song better fit a circumstance than this song to our present one.

Grace by Kate Havnevik (from the Grey's Anatomy Season 2 Soundtrack)

I’m on my knees
Only memories
are left for me to hold

Don’t know how
But I’ll get by
Slowly pull myself together
(I’ll get through this)

There’s no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I won’t fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
I’ve lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace

I cannot explain to you what hearing this song does to me right now. It is such clarity, such grief for the changes that surround me, such utter loneliness that comes over me when I hear it. Those feelings break way to me praying, as if I am speaking directly with God Himself about my life. After all, He is in control of it and while I may be terrified beyond belief, I really must b.r.e.a.t.h.e and have faith.

Now, in the evenings I often send the boys downstairs to play and I watch some Lifetime. Me and Mabel really love Lifetime (how sad is that, lol). Anyway, I never watched the show 'Reba' when it was on, but I really like it now. The very first time I heard it come on I was hooked - the song at the intro had tears streaming down my cheeks. While the entire song (though good) doesn't speak to me, a certain verse does:

I'm A Survivor by Reba McIntyre

My roots are planted in the past
And though my life is changin' fast
Who I am is who I wanna be

A single mom who works two jobs
Who loves her kids and never stops
With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter
I'm a survivor

This is such a strange place to be standing. It really is. I am grateful for my three darling angels and for the man who gave them to me. I am grateful for my life, though I no longer understand it or its' direction. I have doubt about all those "plans" I made years ago. Things I thought I'd never be thinking again have crept in. Worries that I never thought I'd ever face. But I know God is good. He hears us and answers our plea. This just may very well be a time when He needs to carry me through.

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