March 3, 2008

Funk and Faith

I had the funk this weekend. You know the kind your kids come home from school with - runny nose, clogged head, stomach ache, or worse... I think I'm finally getting over it, Praise the Lord.

I'm feeling sad today. I keep fighting it - I mean, it's over 50 degrees here today, the sun is shining brightly, we all woke up alive this morning, it's a new start "Monday" after all, blah blah blah - but it's not working.

While I was sick I realized that I have no one to take care of me anymore. Not that my shoes (if you're new to the blog, please read the post For The Love of Shoes Part 2 to catch up) took care of me all the time when I was sick, but you know what I mean. I'm it. If I run out of medicine at 3am, I'll have to bundle all 3 kids up to go to the pharmacy because I'm it. If I get a flat, I'm it. If my kids get sick at school, I'm it. If the toilet clogs after I've spilled my guts into it, yep - I'm it. Not to mention all of the house maintenance that goes along with living on my own. That's me, too. It's an overwhelming feeling. Aloneness. I know that Jesus is with me, though, He always is. And He'll just have to make those kids listen while I lay on the couch being sick, for example. Man, I hope they listen to Him - He knows they never listen to me, lol. I have to have faith.

I'm also apprehensive about an upcoming day. I have to sit down for negotiations with my shoes. Like, in a fancy office with mahogany chairs and a lacquered table. With a stenographer, I think. While he pretends he's the good guy and all 'woe is me.' I have TONS on my list to talk about and I'm sure he won't be in the mood. I'll have to fight the urge to choke the ever lovin' laces off of my shoes while they sit there all glib and smug, asking the court to feel sorry for them. I keep reminding myself to keep cool, to show some class - Lord knows my shoes won't. I keep praying this will be a time when the justice system actually sees the wolf himself instead of the sheep's clothing. (Have mercy, how many metaphors can I have going at once, lol?)

I'd really love to share more here about what's been going on in our lives for the past several months. Holy cow, that would help me so much. Ours is a story once laced with fairytale romance and heartstopping love and commitment, that is now beat up, bruised and tainted with mental illness, dishonesty, immorality and probably - divorce. A snowball I didn't see coming. But I shouldn't spill it all yet. I know I'm being vague and I'm sorry - and I truly wish I could show you all how I am NOT the bad guy here (really because seeing it for myself in black and white would be so therapeutic) - but I just can't yet. I don't feel like giving my shoes any ground to stand on.

Thanks to all of you who check in on us. I love that you do. Your thoughts and prayers mean SO very much. They truly, truly do. I know we'll be fine. I'm just sad for today, just a little. I know that God is with me and will help guide the next decisions I have to make however hard they are. He will help me care for my kids, be standing right there beside me when I tuck them into bed and answer their really tough questions, when I give Mabel her bottle because I'm the only one she'll take it for most of the time, when I wipe Andy's nose because he's got the funk again, when I stare at that checkbook and wonder how on earth I'll ever be able to do this by myself.

He understands all, He forgives all and He will help me to forgive, too - and He has plans for us.

I have faith in that.

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