May 21, 2008

I Know, I Know

I suck.

It's been WAY too long since my last blog post. So sorry, Friends. Please don't stop visiting. I promise to do better. It's just, well, my attitude has been a bit sucky as well lately.

As it turns out, living with your mom while going through a divorce and trying to keep the remnants of the breakup from destroying your three children while at the same time being unemployed and slightly overweight can sort of take its toll. I mean when you stop to think about it. Which I'm trying NOT to do. Honest. But sometimes, it creeps up on me. So, lots of times I have to allow the prayer to absolutely consume me. I have to let God's arms wrap me up and I have to give over the load because I. cannot. do. this. alone. I just CANNOT. I have faith that He will lead me to my next good job/lead my next good job to me, He will help make sure my kids don't end up screwed up because of this whole ordeal, He will help me to find the right home for us, and He knows I need these elements of happiness soon.

Part of the reason I've been so quiet lately is that after visiting Lulu this past time, I started having (I won't call them second) last thoughts about tossing out my comfy shoes. I think I needed to look back, to say we gave it one last chance, before I could really allow myself to look ahead. To drop the hammer. To, whatever. So we went to therapy. He actually went. But he didn't engage and didn't do... anything. I went through all of the emotions and the worry, I tried it on. We stopped legal proceedings to give "us" a shot. After a few weeks of spinning my wheels (again), I decided to let go. It's only hurting me and it's not helping us. I have to let go. The person I fell in love with 12 years ago is gone. He might as well have died. (For those of you reading this who do not know the inner details of our family boat rocking, you'll have to just trust me on this and hope that one day - like when my divorce is final - I will share everything that happened.)

This feels VERY much like the grief process. I have to allow myself time to grieve the person that I held in my arms and held in my heart for so long... even though the truth is that he was only a shell of himself for a long time. I just didn't see it. I have to be okay with thinking about our many, many happy moments. I have to just breathe to get through it. And God will help me.

Okay, so enough of that. Enough excuses for not updating!

People, Moo is a crawling machine! She really is so fun. I very much wish she would just stay this little forever. I would do diapers forever. Honestly. How can I not squish her four cheeks daily? How can I not play with her fingers and paint her tiny toenails. Ugh. It makes my heart hurt that she'll be 8 months old next week. Pain and bleeding. UGH.

Also at the top of my mind is helping the boys deal with what's going on with our family. They're old enough to know some things and far too young to know most things. They see a therapist as well. But their way of showing distain over the situation is to get in trouble at school for talking, of all things. At least they're not whopping someone in the head. Their grades are stellar... even with all the talking. The teacher told me last week that Andy may be gifted. Holy crap. No wonder he's scrambled eggs half the time. So... their teachers, the principal, and I met last week to develop concrete plans for next year for both boys. Ways to help them succeed, to keep them busy, to reward every small good behavior, every time they remember to raise their hand. I am deeply worried about them - they have to learn to listen. And they have to learn it NOW.

As a perfect example of how God is answering my prayers and walking beside me through this new journey, the boys received gift certificates for 2 private lessons and a month's worth of FREE KARATE CLASSES! I have always wanted them in karate, but, Dude, Karate is super expensive. Crazy expensive. Like even when we lived in our big fancy 4,000 square foot snobby pad too expensive to sign them up. (That wasn't a brag, just used to show how the mighty can fall when they're not good at being a materialistic snob.) Anyhow, Trevor and Andy went to their first lesson on Monday. IMMEDIATE difference. I am in love with karate and I really, really thank God that this opportunity came when it did.

So... that's about all I have. Sorry for not posting pictures yet... the issue is my new conversion to Photoshop. I've loaded and edited all of my photos in Organizer and I can't figure out how to Browse to them to upload. Yet. I'm working on it. Like all day tomorrow working on it. Trust me, I'm dying to brag - I mean to show you how gorgeous the photos are that I've been taking with my new lens. Hee Hee.

Okay, must go... David Cook is doing a commercial for Guitar Hero that has me slobbering too much all over the keyboard. Hubba hubba. .... su8a;4toj4agg43hfaoivv

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