I am not always smiling.
I am not always chippery and happy and optimistic. Sometimes (it's rare) the scary creeps in.
Sometimes I get very overwhelmed and very defeated. I usually have to pray it out. Nothing feels better than prayer. Some 1 on 1 time with God. Tears, lots of tears. Out loud praying, too - He knows I mean business when I'm talking out loud to Him.
So today I felt defeated and scared. Terrified, really. I am afraid I won't be able to afford what we need. In a few months, I'll be a rockstar... but that scares me today. Please pray with me. Please pray that God enlarges my territory and that my work is fruitful SOON. Please pray.
I'm also feeling very disappointed in my comfy shoes. Appalled. Never in my almost 13 years of knowing said shoes did I ever think he would entirely financially abandon his children. I wouldn't have married him a decade ago if I had any inkling, let me tell ya. But he wasn't like that then; my husband is gone - floating around up in Heaven somewhere. That makes me damn angry. And taking the high road all the time - showing class - is getting old. What I'd rather do is kick his ass. Please pray for Comfy Shoes. God will know who you're talking about. Pray that Shoes listens to God knocking on his heart and decides to help take care of his kids.
I even talked to my mom more than usual today. I mean, I miss the hell out of her so I call her all the time - but today was pitiful. Here she was trying to rest and get her house ready for fall and all I wanted to do was hear her sweet voice telling me to stay strong, telling me that I'm a good mama. (Thanks, Mommy!) What I really want to hear her say is that she is going to come and rescue me and move in and live with me here and help me be a good mama and hug and kiss me and share her Molly with me. (No pressure there, Mom.) No, I know time will tell if my mom decides to move out here and it won't be to rescue me. What I mean is that I do secretly harbor this fear that I can't do this. This single parent thing is freaking hard. And with 3 kids? Holy crap! I've never even done this on my own, let alone with 3 kiddos. And in 2 weeks when we move into our home (our very own home I've promised to the kids), it's for real. It's all me. Can I do this? Surely I can. My mom raised me to do this and do it well. But I'm still scared. Please, please pray I kick this worry's sorry butt.
I also read about Nie Nie and her recovery. On her sister CJane's blog, I learned about a woman named Carol (please pray for Carol, too) who just delivered her 2nd daughter 3 months ago and got a staph/MRSA infection. She has lost both of her legs, one arm, a few fingers, and her SIGHT. She has never seen her new baby. Needless to say, I was humbled. My situation last year was bad, but it could be so much worse.
Then my mind goes to all I've been through - not to mention the kids - I think about having a beautiful daughter and then, weeks later, watching my husband deteriorate before my eyes. Literally fall apart. I couldn't help him; no one could. I watched him mentally transform from the guy I loved into something else entirely. Something hollowed out and empty. It was a gut-wrenchingly awful movie playing out before my eyes that is only beginning to feel real. It was dangerous. It was horrifying. It has left memories in my mind that I wouldn't wish on anyone. During his collapse I also learned the guy I loved had cheated. How pitiful. Then I lost my home. My kids lost their school. I lost friends and a family I'd belonged to for 13 years. The money was gone. Then I lost my job, too. And I patiently waited for MONTHS for something...anything to happen. There was so much more detail to our ordeal, but that's how trampled I've been this past year. Now here I am, being birthed out on the other side of this mess and I feel very vulnerable.
But I have a lot that I am thankful for. All of it makes me smile. God knows because I tell him several times a day. Even though I'm scared, I have to rely on faith. I have to keep smiling. God brought me out here. He will provide. He will take care of us. He will enlarge our territory and see to it that the bills are paid somehow. He will make me successful in my job. He will make the money stretch. One day, he will give me the words of explanation when my kids someday ask about Shoes. I have faith.
Thank you, Jesus for all of our blessings.