July 6, 2010


As it turns out, many of my blog readers have been divorced. In fact, many of them are now remarried - if that's not a testament to what I'm about to say, I don't know what is! Point being, many of us share a common hurt. A common moment where we all realized something had to end. It's not for us to understand. It's for us to have FAITH anyway.

I am asked alot about moving forward, about failure. A lot, I tell you. Usually in blog comments (some I publish, most I do not because they are too personal for the commenter), but also by email. Then they sit in my brain and fester.

Why is it that divorced people feel they have failed at something? I think that's hogwash. Now... I say that, but I promise you, I've felt that way, too. I am human. We need to deprogram that automatic reaction immediately. Thinking yourself a failure for a ruined marriage IS HORSE SHIT. Don't do it.

Remember this instead.

Eventually, you will start to see the light at the end of the process. You'll begin to hope again. For me, it was earlier than I expected. I still waited until the ink was on the paper to date again (because that's how I roll), but the hope was there. Love everlasting. I knew that my dreams of having a husband and a full family once again would be materialized one day. I just... KNEW.

It breaks my heart that we think of our marriages as failures for even one second. Stop thinking you failed! Think instead of your successes. Think about what you want every day. Allow yourself to dream out loud and on paper. Via blog, if you're me. PRAY IT OUT. Talk to the big JC like He's sitting right next to you (because He is).

Remember that if you think negatively, you will spread negative around. You'll drag yourself lower than you were before. Resist. Don't cloud your thoughts with worry of the unknown. Let yourself HOPE. Find your confidence.

Remember that challenges in life are what make us grow and strengthen. We've all heard 'that which does not kill us makes us stronger.' It's true, Folks. God allows certain challenges to cross our paths and then gives us everything we need to overcome. Overcoming something difficult makes you a warrior. Doesn't matter if you contributed to it... you are learning and growing from it.

Don't be afraid to dream big. You are capable of BIG. You can kick ass. Take hold of your future and make it what you want it to be. Pray it out. Ask for it. EVERY DAY. But do the legwork to get there; you have to do your part. Give back to balance your life. Remind yourself that your destiny is between you and God alone. Work it out with Him.

In my case, I felt a physical pull to move to Da Plains, to do something more with my life and to provide a more wholesome environment for my children. God provided with a job here and I obeyed. It was incredibly scary to load the kids and the UHaul and drive 13 hours to somewhere I'd never lived... and incredibly peaceful to know at the same time that I was doing what God wanted. Have I ever mentioned that? Yes, I felt the hand of God waving over my life that August. It was amazing and tingly. God knew my dreams and He knew how to help me achieve them.

It's hard to find confidence if it was taken away from you in previous relationships. This I know from experience. Let go of the hurt. It's not who you are anymore. God has made you an individual and fitted you with the weapons of faith and hope. You can do anything through Him. Don't let your past burdens define you - NO WAY.

I have always believed that the smartest people don't care if it's raining outside; they carry their own weather with them. I strive to do that. I smile ALL the time. It's not forced; it just happens. If you actively look for happy, happy will find you.

Every day I am thankful for what I have learned about myself, about marriage, and about love.

I remind myself that something cannot be considered a failure if I learn from it.

And I prayed for love. Lulu reminded me to pray for my husband, whoever and wherever he was. So I prayed for his soul, for his health and for that of his family. I prayed for the Lord to bring him into my life when He felt I was ready. I prayed to be confident in my independence but also ready to let love in when it was time.

I had faith that The One was out there looking for me, too. Me AND my kids. We are a package deal.

Please don't ever say you failed. You tried and succeeded for some time. And then time changed and things were no longer workable. Find your glory and be proud of your commitment to getting there again.

You deserve happiness and love. God says so.

And, Dude. Props to Notebook Doodles, whose gorgeousness is all over this post today.

And Dear B: You have contributed to this post more than you know. Thank you for being the physical proof of the faith I have had all along. When I look at you, I know so much more about God's love. You have a gorgeous soul. I know what being obedient and faithful means. I am beyond thankful for you in our lives.


  1. Wow. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. I, too, have been married (very briefly) before but ironically that is not the root of my issues right now.
    I'm remarried to the best guy in the entire world (well, to me anyway!) He's my best friend and he loves me and he loves my soul. There were no children in my first marriage, but we have two amazing boys now and my life is pretty much perfect.
    It's my own self esteem & confidence issues that have me questioning, every day, why he loves me so. In fact, I just sent him an email last night while he was out of town telling him that I cannot figure out why he loves me the way he does becuse I don't like myself very much. The word failure made more than one appearance in the email.
    Then I woke up this morning and your blog post was number one in my reader. I'm pretty sure God placed it there for me as I usually read my blogs in alphabetical order (as they're placed in my reader) but today I just clicked "new" and yours popped up on top. Thank you.
    These words really hit home and I got God's message through them. :)

  2. Well said, and I totally agree about the failure thing. What a waste of time that is!

    I know you are so happy now, and I celebrate with you! You came out of a very scary, bad marriage and you've made it, with 3 kids in tow!

    You should be very proud! Anyone who survives a bad marriage should be proud. Moving on is healthy. Those who stay wallowing in the whole "failure" mentality is just wasting their own time.

  3. AnonymousJuly 06, 2010

    You could not have siad nicer or more perfect words to me on this day, if you knew me and all that I am current contemplating. Thanks

  4. I think this is an amazing post. Maybe if I read it twenty years ago, things would be different, and I might be happier now. Maybe though, this is where G-d wants me. I don't know if I'll ever know. Either way, it inspired me to believe that my choice, either way, is not a failure, or mistake, but a step to growing. Either way.
    love to you

  5. This is an incredible post. I'm not a divorcee, but I just recently realized how much I was holding onto from my parents divorce. I had the most amazing experience. I've been carrying around this sadness for as long as I can remember, and I asked God to take it from me. I literally felt it leave me. It's gone now, and I'm so glad. Sometimes it really is as easy as giving it to God. You just have to be willing to actually let him take it.
    God bless.