Earlyish in our relationship, I went to B's house for dinner. When I got there he was standing in the kitchen and had a nice pinot noir poured for me. Cheese, crackers, sausage, grapes. The crablegs sat on the countertop. He asked me to help him with the potatoes (actually, before I left my place I got a text from him asking if I could bring my potato masher - "is that a special apparatus?" - so stinkin' cute, right?). We cooked together. Kissed in between stirring... have mercy, the kissing we've done in our kitchens... anyway. It was lovely. Meaningful to me to be in the kitchen together.
Even more lovely was the conversation.
It was on this night - this earlyish night - when we already knew. Both of us already knew. It was the night that I talked about loving someone and said, "You can't love someone a little - either you do, or you don't. You shouldn't kiss someone a little. Go big or go home," I said. He loved that. And then he swooped in and kissed me so hard my liver did a flipflop.
And then he stole the words straight out of my mouth and told me that he'd never felt this way before, and that he already knew, could already see a future for us together. He told me he was "all in." I gasped, I remember. I gasped because all I have ever claimed to be was an all in kind of person. Think I even jumped up and down and told him that I felt the same way. We bumped knuckles.
"Knuckles all in, Babe," he said. There was a pause in his voice and his eyes glittered in the soft lighting next to the island in the kitchen.
"Knuckles all in," I agreed, and we bumped again.
Here we are six months later, planning our lives together. Still all in.
Last weekend we went out with great friends to a local small-town place. B took a buck out of his pocket, wrote something on it and nailed me on the lips so hard I had that familiar liver flop. Then he pinned the buck up on the wall.
Do you see it there?
It says KNUCKLES IN! B+R. Damn near perfect if you ask me. He might as well have carved it in a tree.
And then our friends (who had secretly grabbed my phone) took this picture.
which I didn't find until yesterday. I teared right up; I'm not gonna lie. I love that we're both all in and that we have been since the very earlyish beginning. THAT is faith and trust right there.
And Dear B: Always. Like, ALWAYS. Knuckles all in. I trust you to lead me, to lead all 6 of us. To hold my hand and walk with God between us. To trust me back and let me love you the way I need to love you. I need to be sure you know how much I love you when you brush your teeth. When you mow the lawn. When you're watching football. I want you to feel how much you are loved down into your bones and never doubt that. I want you to feel me lifting you up, celebrating your strengths and encouraging your weaknesses. I want you to be happy along with me every single day until we're in Heaven. Love you forever, Slick.