November 11, 2011

Restless

*I wrote this post just before our friend's accident. 
I have been feeling a funk recently, one that I attributed to many things going on in life. But I wasn't pinpointing correctly. I was being selfish and not looking at the issue. It took a Sunday service, an argument with the husband that resolved itself into mind-blowing clarity, and a song (of course) by Switchfoot.


The funk was the Holy Spirit thumping inside of me.


I've always been a happy person. I bubble from the inside out. I am easily excited, extremely motivated - a force, I've heard. Tell me that your car didn't start this morning and I'll remind you that you woke up and are breathing. Tell me that you are struggling to pay your bills and I'll remind you that all of your money is God's anyway. Tell me your child, your dog, your brother's uncle's wife is ill and I will promise to pray for you. I don't even wonder anymore who is a believer and who is not, I just... say it. Let the Holy Spirit bridge the gap, you know? The thing is, when I was facing horrible in my life, when I was down and out, people prayed for me. So, so many people - people I didn't even know. Some of you prayed. And I could never be thankful enough, so I asked God instead to use me as a vessel. Let my story bring help to others. Give ME the chance to pray for THEM. Let the Holy Spirit hone me into an example of God's promise of joy. I believed when it was so hard for me. I tithed when I had nothing to give. I prayed and waited on Him. Just faith. That's all I had. I didn't do it perfectly, but by and large this became my way of life. And now I am beyond blessed because my perspective has been forever changed.


I like to think that my forever optimism will remind people that Jesus is trying to give them joy, even when the rain is falling down and landing on their heads. I want to be a good example of what Christianity means. It means believing and having faith even when the going is very, very rough. There is honor in that - finding a way to be a light admidst the darkness when that very darkness is aiming itself at YOU, too. Sometimes I am really, really human and need to say these things to myself in a mirror.


I am blessed because God still allows things to come into my path and tempt me. He allows the rain to fall down on my head. He has chosen me - CHOSEN ME - to ENDURE things in this life so that I may savor every single blessing that I have.


Sometimes (and pardon the rambling that this post will almost entirely be), sometimes people are sick of hearing from Pollyanna. Sometimes they tell me to butt out. And it's not as though I really soften my blow, I realize. I don't really have a 'soft' button; I am very direct. Sometimes (and oh how this one has bothered me), I am called annoying because of who I am. I have been told that my moral compass doesn't allow for the flexibility of life. Because I'm not willing to bend my integrity even just a little. I've been told that I just don't understand how the world works and that I am too naive. But I disagree. Oh it hurts - I can't lie about that. It hurts something fierce to be attacked for your moral ground. But there is NOTHING that I am more firmly set on and I do not ever apologize for that. It is NOT okay to sometimes lie. It is NOT okay to sometimes lust for someone that you aren't married to. And it is NOT okay to mislead a child into thinking that 'designer' or expensive things are better because that wrecks how they perceive the world. It's NOT okay to mislead them into thinking beauty is mostly on the outside.


Sorry. My point? My point is that lately, I have been feeling that funk. That funk has been a direct result of the enemy (and by that you better believe I'm talking the devil, peeps), preying on my insecurities. He's been working on me and trying to convince me to stop being so damned happy all the time, when people just don't want to be happy. He is telling me that I should let things slide in my life, just be flexible once or twice... or just a few times... to allow things that I know are a bad idea. My soul has battled this feeling for weeks, allowing it to really beat up my self worth and optimistic attitude.

I am restless inside.

 

Know what happens when I get irritated and restless inside? Yeah. NOW I AM MAD. Convicted! God gave me a job to do and I intend to do it. I intend to point out the right way. I intend to take the high road as often as I possibly can. I plan to stay bubbly. 


So please pardon me if I blow sunshine up your ass on a day you don't really feel like flying. Jesus told me to!


 
That song that pushed me over the edge? That was Restless, by Switchfoot.








Switchfoot - Restless


I am the sea on a moonless night
Calling falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless, aching drops of lights

I am the raindrop falling down
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams
Even in my dreams

I am restless
I am restless
I am breathless
I’m looking for you

I am restless
I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

Running for the other side
The world that I’ve always been denied
I’m running for the infinite
With the tears of saints and hypocrites

Oh, blood of black and white and grey
Oh, death in life and night in day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run
They run restless
Run restless
Drifting and breathless
I’m looking for you

We run restless
We run like the ocean to reach your shore
I’m looking for you

I can hear you breathing
I can feel you leading
More than just a feeling

I can feel you you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
Till the final healing
Everything completing

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
Where tide and tear and pain subside
And laughter drinks them dry

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for

With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
I’m looking for you 

4 comments:

  1. The world needs more people who are driven, who look at the positive and are thankful for what they have - even the trials.

    Don't let the bastards get you down!

    I was thinking more along the lines of Casting Crowns' "Praise You In this Storm" but Switchfoot works too!

    I am direct. I feel ya. I am the Sgt Major's daughter and I pull no punches. People just have to take their lumps with me. I mean well and do it with love, but I will never put up with B.S. and neither do I give it out.

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  2. Too few people even have a moral compass these days, because they are too flexible. The next time you look in the mirror,just remind yourself that what others think of you, in the end, doesn't matter. You only have to answer to God. (and maybe your husband in this mortal life) Please don't stifle the optimism and enthusiasm.

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  3. Good for you for sticking to your guns. You know what you are called to do! And by the way, that line cracked me up:
    "So please pardon me if I blow sunshine up your ass on a day you don't really feel like flying. Jesus told me to!"
    Hilarious! You go, girl!

    -Holly

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  4. Somebody pretty wise once said that "You can please most of the people some of the time. Some of the people most of the time. but none of the people all of the time." And I'll add: the only person you can control is you. SO go for it: keep blowing that sunshine. Even when you irritate others, you're making them think.

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