January 15, 2013

Written Two Weeks Ago...

I got my b00bies squished this morning. Had to updated my baseline mammogram. Getting older and the whole bit, you know. Meh.

Having a mammogram is a necessary evil. It doesn’t hurt [it’s not fun to have your girls squarshed down to flat dinner plates, but it’s easily bearable], but for my human heart it brings worry; that’s the evil portion.

It’s necessary because I’m a woman, but also because Judy is a two-time survivor of breast cancer and even from an early age, I knew I wanted to keep the girls in check. While nobody wants to get a positive result, I’d much rather get one at stage 0, than at a more advanced stage.

I suspected today would tremble in my guts, so I asked Bryon for help. At bedtime we held hands and faced one another. I cuddled under the quilts and launched Kiki off of the bed. Then I asked him to pray for me, over me, something. Anything to reassure my stupid, human brains that everything would be fine, no matter what the mammogram said. When he fell silent, I continued to explain why I needed him and he said, “Be quiet.” He laid there for several minutes, holding my hands in his and breathing steadily.

Often we pray out loud so I waited patiently for my husband, assuming he was gathering just the right words to say.

Then he open his eyes, which were a little pink and wet, and said, “That one was just between Him and me.”

I gave my sweet man a kiss and that was that.

Now I am sitting here, only 90 minutes after the regular baseline scan and writing this post on my phone while its spinning in my head, and waiting for the results to be read and then communicated to my doctor, which will then be communicated to me. I keep picturing the gal on a local commercial who gets the ‘we found something’ call and wondering, will that be me today?

It’s ridiculous. God calls me to be full of faith, not fear. He calls me to rest in Him, to give everything in this life to Him to handle. And so often, I do not. Shame on me.

The Lord already knows what will happen next in my life. He already has a plan and has it under control. I cannot beg His forgiveness and grace without also recognizing His sovereignty in my life. Right? Right.

Edited: It was about two hours after this post was written that my nervous and overbearing self called up the office to check on the results, which were not in yet. Of course not. An hour after that, they called me. I looked down at my phone and saw the doctor's name in the caller ID spot and had a mini stroke right there at my desk. I remember answering but everything felt fuzzy until she said, "Your breast scans look beautiful!" I am humbled and ever so grateful. Thank you, Jesus.

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