July 17, 2013


I have so much to say, but I am censoring myself a bit. I hope you’ll understand for now and ignore any hidden snark that might leak out.

Last week, Bryon and I drove east to attend a court hearing (I’m defending custody. I’m so not kidding.) and to drop off the kids for summer visitation with Shoes. It was tense as we walked into his new place, as I shook the hand of his new friend, and took the suitcases inside - but we did it. Nevermind that the photos that hung gallery-style in his new place were taken by me - moments captured by a mother completely in love with her children and abandoned by her (then) husband. That was a little creepy, yes - but we marched on. Or in, rather.

Before the court hearing began, my husband prayed with me and read his Bible in the truck while I was driving.  Joshua 1:9  Be strong and courageous, for I am with you wherever you go. He turned on The City Harmonic’s Manifesto. Wow. Babe, you’re AWESOME. And then he turned his wedding ring around so that the cross stamped into the tungsten would be facing outward. LOVE. THAT. All spiritual warfare, my husband in his purple tie. The hearing went well, however I expect things to drag on for months like things always do. I am proudly asking you all for prayer to surpass this trial with a smile on my face and not even a fluff to my feathers.

Once we got home I had the chance to go thrifting alone. I found a few things to take home – a cream afghan with fringe (oh the fringe!), a pair of wide leg trouser jeans, and a Pyrex dish.

This week I was feeling more bad assed than I have in a long time. I used to have my left upper ear pierced when I was younger. Like, 15 years ago. And by pierced I mean twice. I took them out after meeting my ex-husband and tucked the bad ass away for too many years. And so this week my moxy combined with possibly too much Pitch Perfect-watching landed me back in a bathroom with a diamond stud, isopropyl alcohol, and my hair strapped back against my head. I was allllll set out to do something slightly outrageous for a 36 year old mom of 4. There’s nothing to a cartilage piercing really (if you’re a consenting adult, that is) and I intended to find the old hole in the cartilage, and simply repierce the skin in front and behind of the same hole. Relatively painless. After locating the faint holes that existed there 15 years ago, I cleaned my ear and then pushed the stud in a bit and… it slipped all the way through, effortlessly. Part of me was like, ‘Of course! I’ve been a bad ass all this time!’ and the other part of me was genuinely disappointed that it was the most boring piercing ever. Later when I showed Bryon, he smiled and told me I was kind of a hippie. Then he asked me to show Hales. Everyone thought I was a rock star. Now I get to shop for wicked ear spikes and that is kind of exciting.

Last night, pandora’s box was opened a little. Bryon had shit flying at him at supersonic rates and boy howdy, he did his best to catch it all and clean me up. I was a mess of tears and screaming and he was watching with his wide eyes. He later offered to sign me up for a kickboxing class. I think he learned a bit more about my fragile heart and why I repeatedly say I WILL NOT BE BULLIED. EVER. When I feel bullied or threatened, I latch the door behind me and the haymakers start. Near death experiences will do that to a girl. You can’t survive the shit I’ve lived through and not have a mark or two on you. And boy oh boy have those marks made me stronger. Look out. I mean it. Look out. Ain’t enough bourbon in Kentucky for me to forget it. Not that I drink bourbon. Blech.

What is it that they say about grace? Mercy? I need to find some more of it.

While in my old hometown, my husband bought me a beautiful silver bangle to commemorate the victory we felt. I haven’t taken it off since, except to shower. It’s perfect and I love it so, so much.

Also while in my old hometown, we got to lay our eyes on Judy. She’s doing quite well, puttering around her apartment reading tons of books and smelling good like Nana smells. The kids saw her briefly before going with their dad and it was hugs all around. It is amazing to watch Trevor and Andy with her. Growing up in her home counted for something; Nana is forever in their hearts in a permanent way. She looks at them with a greater accountability because she knows their spirits. Little Moo was too young to remember being Nana’s hippanus but Nana remembers. She cuddles on Mabel like no other, trying to smoosh her spirit in by force I think. And I could sit in Nana’s house forever, smelling Nana’s lotion-y smell. It just felt good to be there and to help her with things. Seeing her made the whole trip worthwhile on its own. I miss her already.

Wait! Speaking of bourbon, I have news! Bryon and I finally caught wind of a concert nearby and will be cleaning our cowboy boots up accordingly. Double billing: Dierks Bentley and Miranda Lambert !!  HUZZAH !!

Somewhere in Iowa after a quadrillion hours in our vehicle, my husband and I pulled off at a gas station for a snack. There, beneath the beef jerky and to the left of the sunflower seeds, were my favorite snacks in high school. I grabbed a bag and scarfed them within moments, try as a might to make them last. I’ve grabbed a few bags since and taken them to the office. Pizzeria Pretzel Combos and I are besties again!

Finally, I’d like to ask you to pray for some friends of ours. Bryon and I have a coworker whose 4 year old daughter was just diagnosed with a very rare form of brain cancer. They are very cautious about what they’re sharing with others right now and the prognosis is what every parent fears. Kallie is her name and she has bright eyes and long, brown, curly hair. Would you please pray for God to cover her with healing and comfort, and for Him to embrace her father, mother and big brother in peace? And finally, would you please pray for every parent to stop for a moment and hold their babies close? Life is too short, People. Make it count EVERY day.

And Dear B: Whoa, Fella. We got there. I was a bit worried you wouldn't catch me out of fear of... I dunno. But you did. Thanks for the best and strongest arms I have EVER felt. Thanks for cuddly tee shirts and for changing my clothes when I just didn't have it in me anymore. Thanks for not making me shut up and for listening. You are an amazing husband and I am so very grateful for you and for our family. I love you forever.

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